“So when you are listening to somebody--completely, attentively--then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed--to the whole of it, not part of it.”- Jiddu Krishnamurti
I was recently asked an interesting question by a participant in one of my seminars: “How can I get people to listen to each other?”
Her question reminded me of a tough conversation I facilitated between four founders of an IT company. The purpose of the conversation was to provide unvarnished feedback to the founder who was not pulling his weight, to give each person an opportunity to say their piece, and to reach a resolution that would meet the needs of everyone involved. Imagine being in the middle of that! After having interviewed each founder as well as others in senior management, I anticipated the challenging group dynamics that could sabotage the conversation. In particular, it sounded to me as though people were so busy defending their own positions, that they never really considered the other person’s side of the story. Concerns went unattended, conflicts were never resolved, and relationships were in shambles.
As I opened the dialogue, I confronted this issue head on by saying something like this: “Today’s subject matter is deeply personal, and I know that it is important to each of you to retain your friendships with each other while reaching a suitable resolution. I’m going to present some consolidated feedback, and then give each of you a chance to provide your own perspective. It is critical that you listen fully to each person without forming your rebuttal or rehearsing your own statement in your head.” I knew I had set the stage when the CEO asked, “How did you know that we do that?” Call it intuition or good detective work...
Listening to others is not only important so that we don’t miss information, but also so that we don’t miss the feelings and perceptions conveyed by the speaker. Especially in times of conflict, the things that need to be addressed are not the statements themselves, but the feelings underneath. If you suspect that people are not listening to each other in meetings, you might try these tactics:
Her question reminded me of a tough conversation I facilitated between four founders of an IT company. The purpose of the conversation was to provide unvarnished feedback to the founder who was not pulling his weight, to give each person an opportunity to say their piece, and to reach a resolution that would meet the needs of everyone involved. Imagine being in the middle of that! After having interviewed each founder as well as others in senior management, I anticipated the challenging group dynamics that could sabotage the conversation. In particular, it sounded to me as though people were so busy defending their own positions, that they never really considered the other person’s side of the story. Concerns went unattended, conflicts were never resolved, and relationships were in shambles.
As I opened the dialogue, I confronted this issue head on by saying something like this: “Today’s subject matter is deeply personal, and I know that it is important to each of you to retain your friendships with each other while reaching a suitable resolution. I’m going to present some consolidated feedback, and then give each of you a chance to provide your own perspective. It is critical that you listen fully to each person without forming your rebuttal or rehearsing your own statement in your head.” I knew I had set the stage when the CEO asked, “How did you know that we do that?” Call it intuition or good detective work...
Listening to others is not only important so that we don’t miss information, but also so that we don’t miss the feelings and perceptions conveyed by the speaker. Especially in times of conflict, the things that need to be addressed are not the statements themselves, but the feelings underneath. If you suspect that people are not listening to each other in meetings, you might try these tactics:
1) Call a spade a spade, and do what I did with the group of founders--confront the issue head on by telling them what you expect and what is unacceptable behavior.
2) Use the “talking stick” idea that Stephen Covey presents in The 8th Habit, where people are only allowed to speak when they are holding the stick.
3) Outlaw the use of Blackberries and cell phones. If your meeting is a long one, allow enough time during breaks for people to send e-mails and respond to voice messages.
4) Ask others to rephrase what was said to check for understanding. Point out times when it sounds like two conflicting people are saying essentially the same thing, and ask them to be clear about any details that they feel aren’t being addressed.
Do you have other techniques for getting people to listen to each other? I’d love to hear them! Until then...Cheers!
2) Use the “talking stick” idea that Stephen Covey presents in The 8th Habit, where people are only allowed to speak when they are holding the stick.
3) Outlaw the use of Blackberries and cell phones. If your meeting is a long one, allow enough time during breaks for people to send e-mails and respond to voice messages.
4) Ask others to rephrase what was said to check for understanding. Point out times when it sounds like two conflicting people are saying essentially the same thing, and ask them to be clear about any details that they feel aren’t being addressed.
Do you have other techniques for getting people to listen to each other? I’d love to hear them! Until then...Cheers!
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Your article gives me a WOW moment. You have described a lot of issues that seem to plague the organization I work for. On a personal note, I would like to start off by saying; I am a Navy man myself. I enjoyed a 23 year career and retired in 2008. As you know the military has helped develop some great leaders and I have had the opportunity to work for some. As a Chief in the Navy I also had the responsibility to lead and develop my junior sailors. Leadership and communication are two major traits of quality management. As I have raised my children and a lot of young sailors I would occasionally pose a few simple questions. How many truths are there and which is the most important. My answer to how many truths there are is three; your truth, my truth and the real truth. As to which is the most important, I would always say that if you are dealing with the law the real truth is most important. When dealing with other people, the other person’s truth is more important. I would then explain that, if your goal is to resolve conflict or have a better understanding of what the issues are then you need to understand why a person thinks and feels the way they do. Besides, you already know what your truth is so the understanding is already there. If you try to understand why a person sees things differently than you do then one of two things can happen. You have the opportunity to learn or you have the opportunity to teach. Either way it can be a growing experience.
ReplyDeleteAs for management, I firmly believe that a lot of people confuse personal knowledge and technical skills. The environment I work in involves a lot of electrical and mechanical engineers. I have great respect for the effort and learning it takes to earn an engineering degree. While serving in the Navy it took the time to earn degrees in Management Information systems and Business Management. As I chose these fields, I considered my mechanical skillsets as an aircraft mechanic and that I would have a better chance at success if I could gain a better scope of the business side of operations. I also have good insight on leadership and management with my experiences in the military. I do see in the civilian world that, when you are in a career field that is dominated by a specific technical expertise the scope promotion tends to be based on that technical expertise and not personal experience.
I do understand that you can have multiple skill sets and this adds value to an individual’s ability to promote. I do however believe that management is based more on personal knowledge and the use of technical skills that are available to you. For me this means that as a manager, there are tools for every job. These tools involve technical expertise of both yourself and others available to you. With this in mind; leadership, the ability to listen and comprehend should be the primary skillsets of management. Technical expertise is a tool that helps management make better decisions.
Now for my “WOW” moment! As I review quality control issues (oh, by the way I work in QA) with my boss, who is an electrical engineer; it drives me insane that as I talk about issue that are important to our business, he starts listening to his voice mail with the speaker on. This is when the “Chief” in me want to help him see the error in his way. I enjoy my job and I would like to move up but I fear that unless I choose to get a third degree (in engineering), I don’t have much opportunity here. I will say that as a Chief I consider it my responsibility to teach leadership to both my subordinates and my superiors just as if I still was being driven by the SORM. I consider this my challenge to learn and to teach.