Move Beyond Self-Awareness

“A man has to learn that he cannot command things, but that he can command himself; that he cannot coerce the wills of others, but that he can mold and master his own will: and things serve him who serves Truth; people seek guidance of him who is master of himself.”

- James Allen
Author, As A Man Thinketh

I recently had an encounter with a person that some might consider to be a “challenge”. At least, I think that’s the kindest way to describe him. I had arranged a brief meeting with a gentleman who works for a large client of mine, so that I might review internal materials related to the work I am doing for the organization. What should have been a simple, ten to 15 minute meeting followed by a productive day of research became a four-hour one-way conversation. And, no, I was not the one doing most of the talking.

While many of his comments stunned me, I was most confounded by this one: “I am very self-aware.”

I left the meeting wondering how such a self-proclaimed “self-aware” person could have behaved as he had. And then my inner voice screamed this lesson loud and clear:

Self-awareness is the first step to self-mastery. Self-regulation (or self-management) is the next one.

I always talk about this concept during the team-building sessions I facilitate. During these half-day workshops, participants learn about themselves and others through discovering their own Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality and uncovering the hidden treasures of personalities unlike theirs. One of the warnings I share with them is this: Let this knowledge be an explanation of why you tend to do what you do, not an excuse to keep doing it!

In other words, don’t become Popeye and adopt the motto, “I am what I am.” On the surface, this motto doesn’t seem like a bad one. That is, until you realize that the next, often unspoken, sentence is usually, “And you’re just going to have to live with it!”

Now, I am not encouraging you to deal with challenging relationships by changing who you are at your core--that would be impossible, and any attempt would potentially result in a treacherous lack of authenticity. What I am advocating is that you ask yourself a couple of questions to move through self-awareness and into self-regulation.

1. Consider the relationship that you’d like to improve. What is it about the other person’s behavior that concerns or frustrates you most?

2. Consider what you know about yourself, particularly your hard-wired perspectives and natural tendencies. You may choose to refer to the results of a personality profile you trust. What aspects of your own personality may be negatively contributing to the state of your relationship with this person?

If you find that you don’t know much about yourself to begin with, then learn all you can. I’d be happy to talk with you about some good tools out there--just drop me a line (jenn@worldAWAKE.net).

Answering the second question is not an easy one, but it is essential to help move from awareness to regulation--it not only asks you to be aware of yourself, but to be aware of how “who you are” affects your relationships. Once you realize how your unconscious behaviors impact others, it is much easier to make a commitment to change them. And that is what self-regulation is all about.

Here’s to taking the next step in self-mastery...Cheers!

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”

- John Allen Paulos

I was at a networking event with local executives a couple of weeks ago. A normally upbeat and overly positive crowd, they usually answer the question, “How are things going?” with a hearty “Great! Couldn’t be better! We’re so busy, and I’m finding even more opportunities to grow every day,” or some other optimistic exclamation.

This time was different. I was somewhat surprised to find even the most successful, celebrated business people saying things like, “Well, we’re just not sure what’s around the corner. Things are okay for now, but I’m trying to stay ahead of the changes that might be coming our way.” Lots of down faces, shaking heads, and furrowed eyebrows could be seen across the coffee-sipping crowd.

I had my own uncertainties to deal with. And I caught myself in the same slumps these people seemed to be in until I had a realization about how one could live with the insecurity that is becoming part of many peoples’ lives around the globe. Here’s my analogy:

The near-future is like a lidded box in front of you. You don’t know what’s inside of it, but you know that you’ll get to open it sometime within the next year, month, or week. You know that you might not like what’s inside of it, and in fact, if you read the newspapers, listen to newscasters, or watch the stock market numbers, you might actually believe that the odds are heavily in favor of you not liking what’s inside. As long as you think about this kind of outcome, you might feel anxious, be filled with frantic energy or just want to curl up in a ball.

But there’s always the chance that what’s inside of the box might be a good thing. It might even surprise you and be better than you’d ever hoped for. Heck, some people might look at this thing and cringe, but you might call it a “Golden Opportunity.” When you think about that outcome, how do you feel? Perhaps you feel more focused and determined. You may feel like a weight has been lifted. Maybe you have an eager anticipation for what’s coming next.

Here’s the deal: it almost doesn’t matter what’s in the box. What matters is what you do with the things that are right in front of you, right now. And if you feel lousy, thinking about the bad things that might be in the box, you aren’t likely to tackle the few things that you can control. On the other hand, if you feel good, just imagine what you can accomplish!

We are all learning how to live with insecurity. Here are a few steps you can take to accelerate your own learning:

1. Pay attention to your physical reactions to negative thoughts. Maybe your head hurts, or your stomach feels queasy. When you start to recognize this pattern, you can move to the next step more quickly.

2. When you realize that you have been dwelling on potentially negative outcomes, take a few moments to brainstorm all of the potentially positive outcomes. Choose one that feels particularly uplifting--one that makes you smile--and hold an image of it in your mind throughout the day.

3. Make information your ally. I’m not advocating that you become a news junkie--be discriminating in choosing the information you take in. Gather the information and knowledge that will help you make smart decisions, no matter what you end up finding in the box.

I got to open the box recently. And inside, I found the thing that I did not want to find. At least it wasn’t the thing that I thought I wanted. It was almost the “worst case.” Until I looked at it a little more closely and saw something unusually pleasing. You guessed it...Opportunity! And it gets even better. Because I had been determined to focus on the potential positive outcomes, I had been quite productive and created other opportunities for myself in the mean time. And because I had armed myself with information, I now feel confident in the decisions that I’ll make down the road.

After this experience, I’m actually kind of enjoying this whole uncertainty thing. Here’s to the opportunity that awaits you when you open the box...Cheers!

How To Identify Your Weaknesses and What To Do About Them

“If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness.”

- Jack Handy

I used to look at my weaknesses--things that tripped me up or lowered my performance average--as the foundation for my personal improvement goals. Those weakness-based goals became the source of perpetual “to-do” lists full of items that never got checked off. Why? Because I did not enjoy the activities involved and I had no interest in the area I was trying to improve. I was setting these goals to protect my fragile ego from accepting the fact that there were simply some things that I did not do well.

Some of you may think that these are the words of a wimp. After all, there are many people who derive extreme pleasure from conquering a weakness, wearing it like a badge of honor. Well, I’ve done that...I’ve pushed through weaknesses, too...but only to find a hollow feeling of success on the other side. I’d later wonder why I had pushed so hard at something that I didn’t enjoy in the first place.

Then, I decided that I’d rather be great at a few things than marginal at many. I stopped focusing on trying to turn my weaknesses into strengths, and instead found ways to work around them. I’ve found that the more I understand how and why they impact my performance, the more I am able to utilize my strengths to overcome them or expend a limited amount of energy pushing through them.

As long as you view your weaknesses as things that must be improved or eliminated, you risk engaging in energy-sapping activities or creating to-do lists that never get done, and therefore create feelings of guilt and frustration. So let’s start by just considering that our weaknesses are things that we must be aware of. That awareness, along with awareness of our strengths, will ultimately help us become more confident.

Here are a few activities that can help you increase that confidence-building awareness:

- Look at the results from previous personality or strengths assessments you’ve completed. Take note of the comments made about potential weaknesses or blind spots. Observe yourself over the next week, looking for evidence that supports or opposes those comments.

- Take time to evaluate your interactions with people, whether at meetings, presentations, or during informal conversations. Identify what felt the least comfortable to you. Perhaps you felt unprepared, too stiff, or disorganized. Or maybe you noticed that people seemed to tune you out, asked questions you couldn’t answer confidently, or had consistently puzzled looks on their faces. You might then ask for feedback from the group. I’ve found a great resource for anonymous feedback collection at www.Rypple.com. Daniel Debow and his team have set up a great system--it's free, it’s easy to set up, and it helps you get the specific information you need.

- Talk with 3-4 people closest to you, and ask them for their help in identifying your weaknesses. You might ask a question like, “What is one thing that you believe trips me up or stands in the way of my success?” If they are hesitant to share openly with you, or they give only positive comments, you might offer your own observations of yourself and ask for their thoughts.

- Ask your boss which of your performance areas give them concern. If they’re not forthcoming in response to that question (few are), ask them what types of assignments they don’t think you’re ready to handle, and most importantly, why.

Once you’ve collected information from a variety of sources, pull out the recurring themes.
What was surprising to you?
Those things may be your blind spots.
What things don’t come naturally for you?
Those may be your weaknesses.
Which one stands in the way of your success?
That one could become (or already is) your Achilles’ heel.

One of your greatest weaknesses could one day become your greatest strength, but not without a lot of effort. A more reasonable approach may be to find ways to mitigate the effects of your weaknesses, perhaps by learning a couple of critical skills that would increase your success and sense of fulfillment. What actions will you take to feel more confident today?

I am going to be blogging about my personal exploration of these questions and the surprising answers that I have discovered. Getting these questions answered is not going to be easy. It’s not for the faint at heart. But when you learn more about yourself--the good and the “other”--you can make new choices that will leave you feeling even stronger than before.

Will you join me in this challenge? You, too, can share your journey of discovery and the “a-ha!” moments that will teach and inspire us all, just by commenting on my most recent post here. You can leave an anonymous comment if you like, and I do moderate comments just to make sure that spammers don’t interfere. I look forward to hearing about your growing awareness and confidence...Cheers!

My Journey with the MBTI

Yesterday, I wrote about authentic leadership—the kind that inspires people to play “follow the leader”—and how one of the first steps to becoming an authentic leader is to become a confident one. Always curious about the concept of confidence, I learned a simple formula in my coaching school days: Confidence = Awareness of strengths + Awareness of weaknesses.

So, I encouraged readers to build confidence by building awareness of their strengths, and I recommended a few tools, including the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). While many may be unfamiliar with this assessment, I thought it might be useful to share my experiences with it.

The MBTI truly changed my life. This is not an exaggeration.

I often get the question from new acquaintances, “How did you go from flying jets to becoming a coach?” Perhaps it seems like the skills involved are too different, or maybe the “Maverick” personality they remember from Top Gun doesn’t quite fit the person in front of them. Well, while I performed fairly well in the air, I was no “Maverick.” In fact, I was miserable almost every day of my first deployment. I had grown up in the Navy, leaving home at the age of 17, and I had given everything to get where I was. So why was I miserable? About four months into it, I started to think that there was something seriously wrong with me.

By the time I deployed again, I had learned to cope a littler better. But I still knew that I was in the wrong place when I’d see the flight schedule for the next day, scan for my name, not see it, and feel a sense of relief.

Then, I left my squadron and “flew a desk” at the U.S. Naval Academy for what would be my last tour in the Navy. During my first year there and wondering what I might like to do besides flying, I took the MBTI. When I got back my results and realized that my personality type was the exact opposite of the typical military officer personality, things started to make more sense.

I could see why I hadn’t understood others’ perspectives or decisions and why they hadn’t understood mine. I learned that as an ENFP, I was the ultimate survivor personality, which explained why I had succeeded as much as I did in such an uncomfortable environment. Then, I learned how to describe my preferences to others so that I could be assigned to do work that engaged me, and I could volunteer for projects that I knew would be a perfect match. I realized that I didn’t need to fulfill the ideal officer personality I pictured—because I was the exact opposite—and once I embraced it, people actually wanted to work with and for me. They recruited their friends to work on my projects, and I developed close bonds with many of them, some which continue to this day.

I learned that I tend to look at the big picture, and I can cut through the clutter to find the paths that will take me to a desired outcome. I learned that while I am in tune with people’s feelings and am comfortable making value judgments (F), I am also an intensely curious questioner (T). I learned that I prefer spontaneity to structure and planning, and that, if given the option, I prefer to make “open-ended” decisions. And most important, I realized that not everyone is like me, and that their differences can be great strengths.

Any self-assessment is just the beginning. Over time, I observed myself and further refined my sense of self. I also observed others and started to appreciate the differences that used to drive me crazy.

In case you’re wondering, my husband is almost the exact opposite personality to me. Now that we’ve learned (and continue to learn) about our personalities, we’ve found ways to work with each other instead of against each other. And most of the time, you’ll find us laughing about it. He even has a funny saying that he uses to help me through that “open-ended” decision thing that would otherwise drive him crazy.

And back to that question I get from new acquaintances, I understand why I get the occasional raised eyebrow. There are some aspects of my personality that are great assets for the business I’m in. As for the others, I thank my years in the Navy for helping me to recognize when the opposite might suit me better. And I’m such a fan of the MBTI that I became certified to administer it, and I use it with my clients all of the time.

Now that I’ve told you a little more about me, I’d like to hear your story. What have you learned about yourself? What has helped you to learn those things, and how do you use that knowledge today?

What Is Blocking Your Action? 3 Ways to Get Going

“Only those who themselves go into action immediately can make appeals for action.”

- Lenin

Especially since starting my own business, I have enjoyed the peaceful, yet exciting, transition from one year into the next. I take time to reflect on the things that happened in the previous year, and I eagerly anticipate the possibilities that lie ahead.

That’s why it seemed strange when I woke up on Sunday feeling so exhausted. As soon as I finished breakfast (my favorite French toast recipe), I wanted to crawl back into bed. Perhaps it was a food coma coming on, but it seemed to be something more. After a few hours of relaxed reading and still not feeling energetic, I realized that my physical resistance was likely due to some lingering mental resistance, namely a few loose ends from the holidays.

It was even more disconcerting when I felt the same way on Monday. I decided it was time to clear some mental blocks so that I could quickly make some progress on my exciting goals.

You, too, have set some inspiring goals for 2009, and the sooner you go into action, the quicker you’ll build momentum. In case you may be experiencing mental resistance, here are some of the typical blocks, with ideas to inspire you to overcome them.

- Overwhelm: With a long list of roles and goals, you’ve likely got a lot of thoughts swimming around in your head, including those associated with incomplete tasks, new ideas, and upcoming events. David Allen, author of Getting Things Done, would call them “open loops”--thoughts that take up mental RAM. Get those thoughts out of your head and into a more useful form, like calendar items, next-action lists, or project folders. My favorite resources for organization tools are www.Levenger.com and www.DIYplanner.com. At both of these sites, you’ll find tools and templates that offer new ways of organizing your thoughts.

- Lack of clarity: When you look at your task list, is each item a specific action? If not, then you’re looking at a project list, not a task list. I encourage you to break apart those projects into “next actions” so that you can move forward on them.

- Lack of motivation: Are there any items on your list that deplete your energy as soon as you read them? If so, then you may not have made a firm personal commitment to them yet. For those items that feel like obligations, I invite you to explore the core reasons for putting them on your list. If the action itself feels like a “should do,” it must be on the list because the expected outcome is something you really want. Focus your attention on the outcome, and then ask yourself what actions will help you get there. Which of those actions will be the most fun, and what could you do to increase the fun factor of those that you dread?

As a leader, you are often making “appeals for action”--trying to influence others to work towards important objectives. As Lenin recognized, no appeal speaks as loudly as your own action. I’d love to know what tools and techniques you use to spur yourself into action, so please share your favorite tips and resources here.

Here’s to taking action that inspires action...Cheers!